One dead superintendent, hundreds of shocked faces, and four bullets with shell casings reading out “Dependable, Innovative, Courteous, and Engaged.” These are the horrifying sights that were beheld on Murray Avenue just a few months ago. On December 5th, 2024, at approximately 7:15 AM, Pittsburgh Public Schools Superintendent Urkel was fatally shot dead in the street. The Western Pennsylvania educational world was shaken to its core by what transpired. But after a long and grueling hunt by all 4 Dice security guards (and the school officer), they can finally go back to their important work of apprehending teenagers with Geek Bars in the bathroom.

On December 10th, 2024, Bloomfield resident and Dice freshman Mario Marinara was found by officials a block away from the scene. Marinara was alerted to the authorities after attempting to use one of his four counterfeit student IDs at the Murray Avenue Dispensary. Along with these fake student IDs, Marinara was apprehended with a 20-page manifesto and $2,000 in McBigBoy bucks, Dice’s official currency. Another backpack full of McBigBoy bucks was also found in Frick Park, right next to a decommissioned rental scooter from a few days before. It is suspected that this may have also belonged to Marinara due to security footage from the day of the attack, where he could be seen speeding on Nicholson Street in an attempt to escape.

While we have no current explicit statement from Marinara regarding his motives, we can make inferences from what has been released from his manifesto so far. In chapter 4, titled “Disconnect: The Superintendent and the Student,” he stated, “Ever since the $750,000 Wayfinder purchase, everything of the common man has been cut from our district. Dice couldn’t fund my own club, the Italian student union. Ever since then, I have found the spending habits of our superintendents to be preposterous. Urkel will pay.”

While his methods were cruel, many split decisions have come up regarding the view of Marinara. Some find him to be a hero standing up against the waste of district money, and others see him simply as a cold-blooded killer.

One anonymous Dice Junior said, “Before Wayfinder, I was seeing my therapist maybe once a week, but I’ve had to kick it up to at least twice a day after having to deal with the 40-minute powerpoints and complicated schedules. It makes everything worse knowing they’d give us that, thinking it would solve our problems.”

“I am deeply saddened at the loss of Superintendent Urkel,” stated Dr. McBigBoy during his speech last week. “Without our beloved superintendent, we wouldn’t have anybody to spend our district’s funds in a safe and responsible manner. This attack served no purpose in the community and will only lead to chaos.”

To an extent, Dr. McBigboy wasn’t wrong. Mario Marinara is currently awaiting a trial scheduled for June 21st. The district is currently trying to find a replacement superintendent, with a primary focus on financial responsibility this time around. Currently, it’s looking like Dice’s own Ms. Gorwul could take the spot. As for the previous superintendents, they have kept a low profile in an attempt to avoid anyone who may have been inspired by Marinara. Former superintendent Dr. Ham Omelette has reportedly fled the country to the Bahamas to avoid controversy. On the bright side, school morale has skyrocketed since the attack. Many students started wearing shirts reading “Dependable, Innovative, Courteous, and Engaged” in reference to the engravings left on Marinara’s shell casings at the scene. This has been the most the DICE acronym has been represented by students since its creation. So, while Mario Marinara’s bizarre attack has been an act of nothing but terror, he did undoubtedly leave an impact on the community.