Shit went down last Tuesday in the Spanish Club meeting at Taylor Allderdice when U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (I.C.E.) agents busted in, interrupting the students' monthly reunion only to catch a bunch of white kids playing Bingo and eating Subway churros.
According to sources, ICE received an anonymous tip early Tuesday (most definitely senior student Olive Jarrett) about a ‘large congregation of Spanish speakers.’ The agents aggressively broke in yelling at them to surrender in Spanish only to find a bunch of white students butchering the subjunctive tense, and practicing “Dónde está la biblioteca.” As the agents burst through the door, the Spanish teacher started screaming like crazy saying “Ay dios mio” in an awful Spanish accent. The raid quickly turned into a bunch of white people speaking bad Spanish to each other, the agents were bombarded with spit as students attempted to save their asses, with some choking on the r sound and others that seemed to be having a stroke every two words. However, the mood was quickly killed when Officer Chad Smith stepped in to yell orders “ Todo el mundo, ¡Manos en alto donde podamos verlas y guarden silencio! Venimos en nombre del Servicio de Control de Inmigración y Aduanas, debido a una llamada anónima que reportan comportamiento ilícito e ilegal, por lo tanto vamos a proceder a un rastreamiento general de la zona.” Officer Jose Rodrigez backed him, adding “Uh, Sí,” and nodding his head like a good boy. The room turned silent, except for the faint hum of a Bad Bunny song playing from someone’s phone.
The agents ordered the students to “get on the ground and spell ‘deportation’ in Spanish,” as the Spanish President argued with the officers to say it ‘en español.’ Meanwhile, Señor Tailor attempted to de-escalate the situation by flirting with one of the officers.
“Does anybody here even speak español?” said Agent Smith, Senor Tailor gasped, offended, “Oficial dios mio, yo sí”. Smith asked Senior Tailor a question in Spanish but he couldn’t get a straight answer.
One student compared the experience to when his teacher caught him using AI on his midterm essay. He found himself particularly put on the spot when an agent demanded his “papeles.” He was shitting his pants in fear, unable to take a hit of his vape to relax. The student proceeded to pull out his AP Spanish homework covered in red ink corrections, “I needed a passing grade, it’s all Google translator, lo siento!”
Anonymous reporter, Olive Jarret, was found and interrogated about the situation. All he had to say about the matter was, “I was just tryna make some money for Zins.” Jarret has had a history of calling the police on students, with the young drug dealer having tipped off the cops to a party he wasn’t invited to junior year. In a disturbingly accurate Trump impression, Jarret told reporters on the scene “No comment. Unless you have zins.”
After the heated conflict, the officers abandoned the search and retreated, apologizing for the inconvenience. Taylor Allderdice’s Spanish Club has decided to use the experience as a learning opportunity, with next week’s meeting focusing on immigration policies and how to say ‘Do you have a warrant?’ in Spanish.
